i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
