two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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