I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
