my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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