Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
