I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
