When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
