If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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