do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
