his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
