if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
