remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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