youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize