Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
