Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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