I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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