I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
All the doctor said was why
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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