do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
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