Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
