I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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