My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
