you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize