Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
