btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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