when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize