proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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