Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
