ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
