Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
