Don't make out with my wife yet
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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