I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
