He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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