So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I need a hoe opinion
go on
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
