I need help removing her.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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