Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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