How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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