On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
