Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
