I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
