giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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