this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize