Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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