Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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