Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm too high and old for this...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
