I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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