"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
