A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
