Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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