I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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