Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
