I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
