can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
