I'm so fucking centered right now
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
