Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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