You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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