yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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