Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
