Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
