yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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