I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
