Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
