12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
