I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
