Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
