Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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