Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Hippo gnu deer
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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