I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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